Eternal Damnation? Unbearable without her
by SwitzerLandGirl
Summary: Bella suffers when Edward leaves in New Moon. But How much does Edward suffer? And how does he cope? What is on his mind? This story is Edward in New Moon, when he leaves. 8 comments new chap.


It's been 4 months , 2 weeks , 6 days , 11 hours , and 35 minutes since I last saw her face

It's been 4 months , 2 weeks , 6 days , 11 hours , and 35 minutes since I last saw her face. Yet every time I close my eyes , she was all I saw. Her delicate , unusually pale skin. Her cheeks constantly covered with a wonderful shade of red. The little spark in her eye every time she was about to do something life threateningly , like kiss me. So human , alive. And every time I closed my eyes I had to remind myself it was her own good that kept me away from her, it was to keep her like that, blushing and alive. That didn't make it any less painful, though. Somehow, even though my heart was cold and hard as stone in my chest , it wasn't until I left her side that it felt dead at last, broken. Now my heart of ice was shattered like broken glass , only a hard burden in my chest. And every pieces was one step closer to her, aching for her, yearning. But my rational mind wouldn't let me follow. Wouldn't let me see her face again, breath her sweet floral perfume, laugh as her heart beat whenever I touched her. Never before have I heard of such torment.

I was a broken man, and finally, after 107 years, I was finally dead.

Why have a heart if you have no use of it?

If I could only see her face. It would heal me again, and I would tore myself apart before she could notice my presence. But what if she had moved on, just like I had wanted? What if she had forgotten about me? Would I be able to be happy for her as I said I would, or would it kill me even more, knowing I would never caress her cheeks, or watch her sleep? How much would it really hurt to hear her say ' I don't love you anymore.'?

And I knew I didn't want those questions answered, yet they were the only thing keeping me sane in this apartment of hell. Life had lost reason for anything now, and I was close to actually stop fighting. Let it be how she wants, let her lead this life of damnation as long as I would have her, by my side. But a part of my mind wouldn't let me run to her, as fast as I possibly could, believing this was the right thing to do. For her of course. I was destined to live this life of emptiness clinging to the memories she had left me, and to die as her last breath left her withered body. She would live her life happy, surrounded by children, grandchildren, and I would, perhaps be a distant memory tugging at the edge of her reality. After all, humans forget. And maybe I would be blessed by seeing her smile again. Seeing her look adoringly at her newborn baby, imagining that I was the man that could warm her at night, instead of send cold chills down her spine every time my arms touched hers.

I had never hated being a vampire as much as I did now. I was never hurt as much as I was now. If she could have only been born in 1901. Or if I could have been born when she. There would not be this drama now, and I would have my arms wrapped around her sleeping body.

Where was she now? Was she asleep, dreaming of me? Or was she with someone, laughing? There was no way for me to know. And I shouldn't have cared. I shouldn't have cared if she was with someone else, since I wanted her to be. Yet that thought burned through my body and mind, jealousy tugging at my mind. She could be mine. If I would just be selfish enough. If I would just turn her or be sure I could protect her. But I could not. I would never turn her, damn her to eternal life like this. Nor could I be sure she would not be hurt. While her blood sings to me, I could never be sure. But I would never hurt her. No.

Bella. My Bella. My sweet, loving angle. Where are you? If you can not sleep, I will sing you your lullaby and maybe you would hear it, even with such distance between us, somewhere in your mind. Do you know I think about you all the time. Only you. You own me. Body and my shattered heart. My soul too, if I were to have one. How could you believe so fast I didn't love you? I would give my life for you, know that. It was so incomprehensibly hard for me to say I don't love you anymore. So hard, when my whole heart belongs to you. When my whole heart is you. My heart. My life. My angle. What cruel blasphemy.

A ringing appeared, breaking my chain of darkened thoughts, her voice inside my head would not answer my questions, as I usually imagined she would. It was all because of the ringing. What caused that ringing? And than I saw the silver little phone, on the nightstand, vibrating. I swiftly flipped it open.

" Yes?" I croaked into the phone. There was no one in the would I wished to talk to now, no one accept Bella. And a part of me wished it was her voice to answer me, and a part was terrified by that thought.

" Edward? It's me." The tiny perfect voice said, velvet as always. Not Bella's. And I had to fight the urge to hang up.

" Alice." I simply said, my voice lifeless as the left of me felt. What did she want? I was too busy bathing in my self-pity to waste priceless hours of pain upon her.

" How are you? I saw…" what could she have seen? I had done nothing, thought of nothing, but Bella.

" What did you see?" I asked letting out a sigh of despair. Was she gonna lecture me now? Tell me she saw me turning Bella into a vampire? Convince me to do it? She won't succeed.

" I saw your… thoughts. The decisions you were dealing with. I'm sorry Edward. I know you're in pain. I just wish I could help." She said, and sighed, I could hear the sadness in her voice. No doubt she would be crying if she could. It annoyed me, did she have to care to? Make this harder.

" Well, you can't. No one can. No one but her." I said, my voice a barely audible whisper, and as I wanted to snap the phone shut, she spoke again.

" I miss her too you know. She was already like a sister to me, Edward." She said her tone low and painful. I knew she wasn't lying. And I couldn't hang up on her. I was hurt and lifeless, but I would not be mean to Alice.

" I know, Alice. I miss her so much I do nothing but think about her every second. I barely make it through the day from the pain I'm in. I know." I said, and realized, how painfully true those words really were. I was nothing without her. I needed her to simply exist. Without her I would cease to be.

" Than why don't you go back? Me and Jasper would stay here until she turns… or Jasper learns better self control." She said, with a trace of hope in her voice. I would not return. I would not change her. Not because of only Jasper, but because of the fear of what I might do. And she knew that. I sighed.

" How… How is she?" I asked suddenly tempted to know, even though I threatened Alice not to look. I could her moving on the other side of the phone. Awkward.

" Do you really want to know Edward?" Maybe this question was why she called me in the first place. Maybe she knew I was going to ask her that. To tell me how she is. Has she moved on. To help me cope. But I promised Bella. No interfering. As if my family and me never existed in her life. It had to be like that. I had no right intruding her life like that, not anymore, no matter what the reason was.

"No. I have to go Alice. Bye." I said swiftly before I had the chance to change my mind. This was all to painful, I just couldn't stand it anymore. Not for Alice, not for anyone else. I just wanted to whither away.

It's been 4 months , 3 weeks , 1 day , 2 hours , and 59 minutes since I last saw her face. And I see her every time I close my eyes. My mind thinks only of her. My body aches for her and my heart is with her. She is the one thing I want, and the one thing I have. And nothing in the world will ever replace her.

I miss her every day, and every night. I need her so much it tares me apart. The need, the pain.

And than the phone rang, once again.


End file.
